In this post, I will present two proposals for increasing the fertility rate—one tailored for communist states and the other for capitalist states.

Before I begin, let me first explain why declining fertility rate is a problem in modern societies. Modern societies largely function on a pension system. That is, while people are young, they work and contribute a percentage of their income to a pension fund. When they retire, they receive payments from that same fund.

The most popular method for managing this fund is the “pay-as-you-go” model. This system funds retiree pensions using contributions from the current working generation. For example, Generation X’s pensions might be paid by Generation Y, with Generation Z then funding Generation Y’s retirement. China and France predominantly employ this scheme.

This arrangement reveals a significant vulnerability. If the fertility rate remains at replacement level (approximately 2 births per woman – i.e., maintaining a constant worker-to-retiree ratio), the system functions relatively steadily. However, if the fertility rate exceeds 2, contributions to the pension fund will surpass payouts, potentially creating opportunities for… mismanagement. Conversely, if the fertility rate falls below 2, there may not be sufficient funds contributed to cover expenses.

The above is a simplification of real world complexities. Factors like increasing life expectancy and technological advancement also play a role. However, all things considered, many countries are facing pension crises and desperately need to increase their fertility rate.

Beyond the pension system, a catastrophically low fertility rate creates other pressing concerns. Without enough young people, billionaires and politicians may find them with insufficient supplies of… fresh blood, and replacement organs. The long-term health and vitality of key stakeholders is a matter of national security.

Proposal for communist states

The key to increasing the fertility rate in a communist state lies with the female citizenry. While male reproductive drive is a constant, female receptivity can be… variable. Therefore, strategic intervention must begin at an early age.

The foundational element of this initiative is comprehensive education. Kindergarten curricula will emphasize that women are integral biological components of the male organism and that their primary societal function is to facilitate reproduction. Primary school instruction will focus on techniques for attracting and satisfying male companionship. Junior middle school will prioritize domestic skills: culinary arts, textile maintenance, and sanitation protocols. Academic disciplines such as physics, chemistry, and formal logic are deemed superfluous; basic arithmetic will be retained solely for household budgeting purposes.

By senior middle school, students will matriculate into specialized departments aligned with their aptitudes – advanced culinary techniques, precision sewing, industrial-scale cleaning, etc. This stage represents a transition from generalist wife material to specialist wife material. Crucially, this is also when comprehensive instruction in the Kama Sutra will commence, framed as “advanced interpersonal communication.”

Upon graduation, approximately age eighteen, no further educational pursuits are deemed necessary. Additional scholastic endeavors would only impede reproductive timelines and constitute an inefficient allocation of resources. The highest-performing graduates will be assigned to serve as companions for the nation’s leadership in the capital cities, ensuring their continued well-being and optimal decision-making capacity. Remaining graduates will pursue suitable pairings through established social channels.

Each graduate is granted a two-year window for independent marital acquisition. Should they remain unmarried by age twenty, the State will designate an appropriate partner. These designated partners are typically individuals with diminished prospects in the free love market, i.e., those possessing physical or cognitive limitations that preclude successful courtship.

To mitigate such regrettable outcomes, local governments receive funding to organize mandatory pairing events. These events feature female participants aged eighteen to twenty and male participants aged twenty to twenty-two (males complete a two-year period of national service following graduation at age eighteen). Proposals to extend the aforementioned two-year grace period have been considered; however, such leniency risks fostering societal procrastination and consequently delaying optimal marriage ages. We must maintain faith in our rigorously trained citizenry: after years of dedicated preparation, they will encounter no undue difficulty in securing suitable companionship.

Each legally sanctioned union is obligated to produce a minimum of two viable offspring before the wife reaches her twenty-sixth year. Failure to meet this quota results in financial penalties for single-child households. Couples lacking progeny are subject to formal medical evaluation. Those deemed reproductively capable will be reassigned to new partnerships or undergo compulsory procreation protocols. Individuals identified as genetically incapable of reproduction are classified as detrimental to the collective and relegated to a subordinate labor caste.

To ensure equitable resource allocation, punitive measures targeting individuals with diminished reproductive capacity must be balanced by incentives for those who diligently adhere to established protocols. Therefore, any couple successfully nurturing three offspring to maturity, regardless of biological sex, will receive a full State pension upon reaching retirement age. Couples raising two viable children will be granted a partial pension benefit.

Despite our comprehensive educational initiatives – often mischaracterized as “brainwashing” – a minority of female citizens may exhibit resistance to established societal norms and decline participation in reproductive duties. To safeguard the collective, certain guardrails are required.

First, all commercial enterprises will be prohibited from employing female personnel. Any firm found in violation of this directive will be subject to substantial financial penalties. Repeated offenses will result in imprisonment for responsible legal entities, with capital punishment reserved for egregious and persistent breaches. Deprived of economic independence, these dissenting individuals will lack the resources necessary to challenge the established order.

Furthermore, a subset of particularly defiant citizens may attempt unauthorized emigration to neighboring nations. Enhanced border security (including increased military presence and physical barriers) will be deployed to intercept such attempts. Detained individuals will be remanded to military facilities for corrective re-education programs. These facilities provide invaluable practical training opportunities for conscripted personnel in the application of dominance techniques. Following these exercises, it is anticipated that young soldiers will encounter no impediments in establishing marital relations.

As for those citizens who become pregnant during their detention, they will receive a one-year period of recuperation before resuming their assigned duties until deemed incapable of further contribution. The resulting progeny (hereafter designated “State Wards”) will be placed under the direct supervision of the State. These wards will undergo rigorous behavioral modification to mitigate any inherited tendencies toward nonconformity.

Female citizens inevitably reach reproductive senescence due to age or illness. Upon retirement from their primary duties, however, their accumulated experience remains a valuable national resource. Those who have been privileged to serve the nation’s leadership will be reassigned to educational institutions, tasked with mentoring and instructing the next generation of young women. We operate under the principle that exceptional students are cultivated solely by exceptional educators. Individuals designated as subordinate labor units (e.g., those infertile or old widowed citizens) will be deployed as caregivers for State Wards.

Through implementation of these policies, a comprehensive framework has been established wherein the sole societal function of female citizens is to fulfill the roles of wife and mother. With this meticulously designed system in place, the communist state anticipates no impediment to maintaining a stable fertility rate of 2.0.

Proposal for capitalist states

In capitalist states, we cannot adopt the aforementioned policies, which are considered violations of free will and human rights – regrettable constraints, to be sure. Therefore, we must devise cunning incentives to encourage women to embrace their natural role as reproductive vessels.

Let us begin by clipping their wings. Firstly, we systematically undervalue their labor, ensuring salaries remain significantly lower than those of male colleagues with equivalent qualifications. This minimizes economic motivation for pursuing a career. Then, we subtly degrade their working environment: unsanitary restrooms, uncomfortable formal attire (including impractical footwear), and the elimination of remote work options are all essential. The goal is to present women with a stark choice between a hostile workplace and the perceived comfort of domesticity.

With these sneaky, yet deniable, tactics, many women will inevitably return to domesticity. However, simply being a housewife does not guarantee reproduction. Instead, they may choose to spend their days doomscrolling on TikTok while practicing safe sex! To break this stalemate, we need only acknowledge a fundamental economic truth: households with a single income earner experience reduced financial stability. Our solution is elegantly simple: launch a business specializing in cheap condoms with high failure rates. Simultaneously, we enact a nationwide ban on abortion access. The naive, unsuspecting couples will soon find themselves… unexpectedly expanding their families.

While we could deceive people into becoming reluctant parents, I believe that the greatest demographic gains can only be achieved through willful reproduction. For this purpose, we may leverage our former adversary, TikTok, to our advantage. Our strategy involves saturating the platform, aka flooding the zone, with curated content featuring exceptionally cute babies and adolescents. After prolonged exposure to these carefully selected stimuli, the population will undergo a subtle yet profound shift in desires—a collective yearning for parenthood.

The aforementioned strategy represents only one potential application of TikTok, and I have devised a more insidious plan. Rather than promoting images of idyllic parenthood, we will exploit a more fundamental human desire: vanity. We will saturate the platform with content showcasing ego-boosting luxury products – beautiful clothing, exquisite jewelry, and elaborate nail art designs. Women, driven by an insatiable pursuit of status and self-adornment, will inevitably seek additional financial resources to acquire these coveted items.

Simultaneously, we will collaborate with banking institutions to offer a novel cross-generational loan product. A long-term financing arrangement (eighteen years in duration) will be extended to every couple upon the birth of a child. Monthly disbursements will be provided to the parents until their offspring reaches adulthood, at which point repayment obligations are transferred entirely to the now-adult child. The child is then responsible for servicing the debt with their future income.

In this manner, both the parents and the luxury industry will prosper. A win-win solution! It becomes even more advantageous if the newborns attract mosquitos at a higher rate than their parents.

Astute observers may question whether banking institutions possess sufficient capital to finance such an ambitious demographic initiative. Rest assured, this is not a concern. Banks can aggregate thousands of these individual loan agreements into a structured financial product and offer it to capitalist investors, a practice analogous to their previous securitization of real estate assets.

As you read this, actuaries are already preparing to layer this product to meet the diverse risk appetites of potential investors, while quantitative analysts are devising futures, options, and other complex derivatives based on its underlying performance.

Although the aforementioned plan is meticulously devised, it possesses one critical vulnerability. Should a young adult succumb to despair and commit suicide, both banks and investors would forfeit their anticipated repayment. To mitigate this unacceptable risk, we must enact comprehensive laws and legislation criminalizing self-harm and suicide. Let us bear in mind that only through a robust legal framework can capitalism truly flourish!

With such a well-considered combination of financial innovation and social control, capitalist states will encounter no significant difficulty in maintaining the fertility rate at 2—at least for the next half-century.

Disclaimer: This work is a fictional satire intended for entertainment purposes only. The policies described are not endorsed or advocated by the author. It serves as a critical commentary on potential consequences of prioritizing economic indicators over individual autonomy and well-being. Any perceived similarities to real-world events or ideologies are unintentional, though not necessarily improbable.